Extraterrestrial – 2014

Posted in Uncategorized on February 15, 2017 by Ghoulington

ET PHONE HOME

Michael Ironside and Gil Bellows star with a bunch of nameless victims in this lopsided big budget cheezer that feels like a ScyFy original made with good effects.  Just when you think you’re watching total garbage, something really cool happens – and then just when you think it’s getting really good, it descends back into the velveeta.

A couple of rewrites would have made a big difference, but instead we get a rehash of the old Cloverfield, The Blob, Predator vs Alien, The Crazies, The Cell, The Simpson’s Movie, ect.,ect., conclusion where the government quarantines and obliterates the area. Talk about your happy endings.

At least nobody gets an anal probe.

GHOULINGTON SAYS: C+

image.gifYO, HIGH FOUR!

 

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Friday the 13th Part VIII Jason Takes Manhattan – 1989

Posted in Uncategorized on February 14, 2017 by Ghoulington

ESCAPE FROM NY

After seven movies Jason finally wants to gtfo out of Camp Crystal Lake and head to the big city! That could have been cool, right?  Well…it should have been but the story starts off guess where? At Crystal Lake, where we get a rehash of the old Jason killing teens making out in the woods routine. The next half of the flick has Jason lurking around a cruise ship that’s populated with all the same paper thin stereotypes you’ll remember from past sequels. The crazy, warning of doom geezer, the psychic girl, the geeky horror dude, ect. ect. Suffice it to say, you know who will die and won’t care.

By the time they get to the city the movie feels almost over and seems more like Jason takes an alley in Manhattan. The gore seems a little light for a FT13th movie, too, with a lot of cutting away before the money shot. Still, if you’re a fan of Jason, this isn’t his totally worst work. There are a couple of inventive moments and the whole thing has a mindless 80’s music video feel that I found oddly and inexplicably entertaining. It just should have been a lot better.

GHOULINGTON SAYS: C+

imageWELL, EXCUUUUUUUSE ME!

Necronomicon Book of the Dead – 1993

Posted in Uncategorized on February 6, 2017 by Ghoulington

BOOK OF THE DUMB

Genre greats Jefferey Combs, Dennis Christopher,  Richard Lynch, Don Calfa and David Warner all combine for an anthology of H.P. Lovecraft stories so cheezily trippy that you’ll wonder if somebody put something in your beer – but they all pretty much get underused and wasted.

The effects, sound and overall production quality of Necronomicon gave me the feeling of watching something from the 70s rather than the 90s and had me reminiscing about VHS and video stores. Some of that was sort of cool but the movie would have benefited greatly from actually using Lovecraft stories instead of the lamed down lovecraftian styled weirdness it went with.

Still, with its cast and liberal gore, the movie is somehow able to patch together just enough to keep it going. But if you’re looking for Re-Animator, forget it. He ain’t here.

GHOULINGTON SAYS: C-

imageABDUL ALHAZRED WHERE ARE YOU?

The Conjuring 2 – 2016

Posted in Uncategorized on February 6, 2017 by Ghoulington

CONJURING UP A FRANCHISE 

Wow. I don’t like most of the newer horror but the Conjuring series has that ultra rare combination of perfectly cast/good acting, cool monsters and really good writing. This second installment is probably even a little bit better than the first.

It’s not that the story is that original but rather that all the characters seem rounded out and real. You actually give a crap what happens to them. I also really appreciated that Christians weren’t  portrayed in the stereotypical Hollywood manner of being whacky rednecks but instead are intelligent and brave.

The Nun demon thing character reminded me a little of the evil old lady in director James Wan’s other flick, Dead Silence, but she is still effectively creepy and looks like she would break a ruler over your head if you talked in class.

Overall, a really solidly made, fun movie that left me looking forward to Conjuring 3, Annabell 2, and The Nun.

GHOULINGTON SAYS: A

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imageNUNS HAVE MORE FUN

Blue Monkey – 1987

Posted in Uncategorized on February 1, 2017 by Ghoulington

SEEING PINK ELEPHANTS

Uhhhhhh…..this is some weird shit here. You might need some of the Green if you’re going to make it through Blue Monkey and think it makes sense.

Not sure what the title meant. There’s no monkey, let alone a blue one. Some malarkey about a kids dream. There is a bunch of giant bugs inexplicably hatching out of people and lurking around in a hospital in some sort of lame effort to rip off the Alien chest burster. You also get the great John ‘Dean Wormer’ Vernon bitching through a couple scenes, but he can’t help things much.

Moving at a snails pace and using blue lighting in every scene for no apparent reason all lends to a headache inducing experience without much payoff. I just wanted to see giant bugs eat everyone.

GHOULINGTON SAYS: D+

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BLUEMONKAPHOBIA

An American Werewolf In Paris – 1997

Posted in Uncategorized on February 1, 2017 by Ghoulington

LONDON IS THAT WAY

American Werewolf In London is one of my favorite movies from my twisted youth and I can remember 16 years after it came out being plenty excited for its sequel, Werewolf in Paris, to be released. I also remember being very disappointed that it was nothing like the original and hating it.

Rewatching it now 20 years later (It’s been longer than the gap between the two movies, so I’m guessing there won’t be a third) hasn’t changed it too much.  The weird part to me was, things I originally enjoyed about the movie, the effects, which were some of the first CGI and seemed pretty bad ass back in the day, now seem laughably outdated and cheezy. And the characters and plot that I had originally hated, I still hated but maybe a little less, seeing that although it sucks, there was almost a good movie in there somewhere. If only John Landis could have done a rewrite.

GHOULINGTON SAYS: C

imageDAMN YOU, LON CHANEY!

Red Clover – 2012

Posted in Uncategorized on January 23, 2017 by Ghoulington

FOUR LEAF CLEAVER

The first half hour of Red Clover got me interested with a cast that includes Billy Zane, William DeVane and a bunch of likable unknowns. A creepy good score also lended a lot towards building up my hopes that perhaps I’d stumbled upon a cheezer gem.

But suddenly in the second act the movie unravels completely, becoming exactly what you’d expected, a by the numbers snorefest with a mumbo jumbo plot out of far left field. Worst of all, the leprechaun monster thing is a chinsy grade Z cgi/guy in a suit that will make you cringe and wouldn’t scare a three year old.

GHOULINGTON SAYS: D

imageTRY AS THEY WILL, TRY AS THEY MIGHT, RED CLOVER GETS KILLED IN A LEPRECHAUN FIGHT